26 boxes... £10... just a few questions here or there...

DEAL... OR NO DEAL?

I'm your host, Gordon Ramsay.


Gordon Ramsay: You may remember me from programmes such as 'Hell's Kitchen', 'Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares' and other Channel 4 classics. Oh, and you may have eaten in one of my restaurants. I make excellent food, if you didn't know.

For those of you that know me, you may be very familiar with my potty mouth. Well, this is daytime TV, so of course, not to scare the kiddies, I shan't be raising a temper or using cursive language. As part of the contract of hosting this exciting show, every time I blow my top... or become eligible to put money in the swear jar, I will receive a quick but painful electric shock. F*** m *ZELZEKZLEKZLEZLEZKCLKCLEKZLEKCZLCKZELC*

Yeeeeeeeah.

Behind 25 piggies are 25 fabulous celebrities who have donated money into the fund which one lucky player will own.

And that is... our contestant... Daniel123!

Daniel, please pick a piggybank! 1-26.

Oh, well, erm, thank, er, thanks, thank you Sir Mister Ramsay Sir, it's a pleasure to be graced with your presence Mister Sir Ramsay Sir, I would love to have the opportunity to win lots and lots of money so that I can donate it straight to your Charitable Bank Account Sir Mister Sir, yes Sir, thank you for having me Sir, erm, well, what do we do now, er, ah, oh, a piggy, a piggybank, ahem, er, right, I think I'm going to faint, er...

RIGHT! RIGHTO! I'M READY FOR THIS, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS GOSPORT? COME ON!

I'll have piggybank number 13, please.

Someone here is on crack, and it ain't me...

Gordon: Excellent choice.... well, we'll get started right away.. Let's have a reminder of the board again... and, quickly, we'll get your first six choices for the first round. From me and all the staff at Gordon Ramsay, may you have the very best of luck.

Nothing
1p
2p
3p
5p
6p
8p
10p
12p
15p
20p
25p
30p
35p
40p
45p
50p
60p
75p
£1
£1.20
£1.50
£2
£3
£5
£10

It's Google Ads...

I like the idea of the game. Your basically set up to fail.

£10 is a great sum of money which requires the utmost bravery!

Which means you'd be an ideal candidate to play, then.

It has to be Google Ads. This guy is always online. It's like he has no life or something. Bizarre.

Thank you Mister Sir Ramsay Sir for the good luck, and thank you indeed David for the hearty encouragement; it really is greatly appreciated

Ahem, well, in order to win at this particular game - and I am incredibly privileged to be the very first ever contestant, and by the looks of it, most probably the last - in order to win at this game, you have to - I have no idea, frankly, because I've never even seen anything like this before and it exists primarily in your own head Gordon, so you're really the only one who understands how it works, but one out of two people isn't that bad, I suppose.

Right. I'll have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 first please. If you can guess my system you can have my Canon EOS 20D, which is convenient for me because I sold my Canon EOS 20D in October, but I know the fella's name and where he lives, so that's alright. Yes, 1 to 6 first, thanks.

I don't fail.Bravery earns you more money. I took a risk and you have a go at me. Chill the hell out because it's only a game. I wouldn't do that in real life.

Behind box 1...

Pharrell Williams!

Pharrell: I'm honoured to be opening the first box of the game, and I hope it's a blue, Daniel! Box 1 contained... 45p

Gordon: Not a bad start, to be honest. Let's play on.

Pharrell: WAIT!

Gordon: What...

Pharrell: I want to perform everyone's favourite song in the entire world... HAPPY! "It might be crazy, what I'm bout to say... do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo"

Gordon: Oh God...

Behind Box 2... Nigel Mira... Uh... Farage...

Nigel Farage: I'm not here to promote any of my political huddy-duddy. I'm only here to open a box. And so I shall, and best of luck to you... Box 2 contains £1.50!

Groans from the studio and pilgrims.

Gordon: First of the power five... well, we'll have to continue. Next box please...

Behind Box 3... Giancarlo Stanton.

Giancarlo: Because of my amazing $325,000,000 MLB contract, I was really honored and felt special to donate 7p towards your possible funds. Don't thank me, it was nothing

Box 3 contains... £1

Gordon: Three greens already so far... it's not looking good, you're toiling in a forest at the moment, let's find the sea... food restaurant. NEXT...

Box 4 will be opened by Heston Blumethal (spellcheck?)

Gordon: Heston! Didn't realise you could make it today! How are you my man, how's the fat duck doing.
Heston: Business is booming. Just invented a new dish that you'll love, lamb shanks in a pretentious benylin sauce...
Gordon: F*** me, th *ZZZZLTIZLTIZLZLRZZLLIRLZIRZLILRZIRZLRIZR*...

...s-ss-ssoundsss d-d-d-delic-c-c-cious-s-ss...

Heston opens the box to reveal... 60p...

Gordon: Not looking good Dan... let's open box 5.

Box 5 is opened by Tamara Ecclestone, who very generously donated 4p towards your possible winnings...

Tamara: It was a pleasure to contribute to change someone's life with currency. I remember the bible story where the poor lady donated all she had. I could really relate.

Gordon: Fudge me...

Tamara opens the box to reveal... 25p! Our first blue...

Gordon: We've found the sea... now can we swim! Last box please, number 6.

Box 6 is opened by Noel Edmonds.

Noel: I'm really sick of this, why did I even sign up to open boxes... -_-

Box 6 has... NOTHING!!!

WE AWAIT THE BANKER

tl;dr

1 - 45p
2 - £1.50
3 - £1
4 - 60p
5 - 25p
6 - NOTHING

The Banker has made his offer

BANKER'S OFFER

42p

1p
2p
3p
5p
6p
8p
10p
12p
15p
20p

30p
35p
40p

50p

75p

£1.20

£2
£3
£5
£10


Boxes left: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Well, Mr Banker, that's quite frankly - with reference to my spreadsheet - an absolutely abysmal offer for the board. I mean, come on, we're looking at 34.43% of the mean here! AT THE FIRST OFFER! GORDON, SORT THIS MONSTROSITY OUT WILL YOU?!

I mean, erm, yeah, thanks for a great offer Mr Banker, but I'm going to really respectfully say NO DEAL!

Gee... sorry...

Gordon: Frog me... alright, five boxes for the next round, please.

Ah, bugger, sorry Banker, I, er, maybe, erm, please don't...leave...me...

Alright, er, ahem. I'll, er, we'll be OK, er, can I have 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11, please? Let's try and have some, some positive, positivity here

Gordon: We begin the second round... finally. Well, let's see box 7...

Box 7 is opened by Meghan Trainor.

Meghan has appeared to put on a lot of weight...
Meghan: I do have my regrets about fat-pride, I've swelled into this balloon I can never get out off. Go ahead and tell them skinny witches that...

Meghan opens box 7 to reveal 15p!

Gordon: Fantastic. Delicious. Let's open box 8

Box 8 is opened by... hmm... first celebrity name I can see on the DM... ANGELINA JOLIE.

Angelina: Very best of luck Dirty Danny D...

Daniel: Dirty... Danny... D...? My surname doesn't even start with a D...

Box 8 contains 75p... not too great...

Gordon: I don't really know what to say here
Box 9 will be opened by Adam Lavine

Adam: Good luck whatever... he reveals 50p!

Gordon: F*** me doe *ZAZAZAZZAZAZAZZAIZAZAZAOZAZAZAOZOEOOZEZEZLKZ*

...es tt--t-t-this game take al-l-l-ong time... Eurgh...

Box 10... behind it is Mike Oldfield

Dan: Oh my god, can I have your autograph

Mike: Sure thing my boy... hope I can reveal the penny

Inside box 10... 35p!

Gordon: We're on a District Line train, let's get back to the Piccadilly...

Box 11 is opened by Starling Raheem

Raheem: Umm... yeah, good luck mate

Box 11 contains 2p!

WE AWAIT THE VANKER

tl;dr

7 - 15p
8 - 75p
9 - 50p
10 - 35p
11 - 2p

The Banker Calls

*thank you for taking the time to listen to my offer! ^_^

The Banker has made his offer

BANKER'S OFFER

81p

1p

3p
5p
6p
8p
10p
12p

20p

30p

40p





£1.20

£2
£3
£5
£10


Boxes left: 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Ah, now that's a better offer! Much better, lovely jubbly, sterling stuff. Good to see Raheem Sterling taking the time out from his hectic schedule to appear on your show too Gordon, and Mike---Mike Oldfield! I HAVE HIS AUTOGRAPH NOW!

Right, right, on we go. Thanks Banksy - it's a NO DEAL, however...