"Hello! Welcome to a new week of Deal or No Deal!" Beth Lapointe doesn't seem unbothered by the misfortune of the first week. For five seconds. "I'd like to apologise to everyone who saw the first week and thought this game looks a bit off, I can promise you that most people won't get that unlucky and the Tk300,000 and Tk200,000 will hang out a tiddly bit longer. Our statisticians have assured us that in more than four out of five games, at least one of them can be expected to be in play at the second offer. So far, that's not happened once, which has, apparently, barely a one in 9,000 chance of happening. Obviously that set off alarm bells behind the scenes, but we have been doubly reassured that everything is fair and above board, and so someone here is about to hopefully get a cracking game, and definitely a fair one."

The names start scrolling. "You have nothing to worry about except misfortune... WYNKE!"

"So, it's... Wynke Kemerink, from up in Roddens." (Roddens is the major city in the north-west of the country.) "And it seems as though there's two things you adore in your life, and they are your piano and your cats." "I don't know how I've even spent this long away from them," Wynke laughs. "I teach piano to children in Roddens, also get a couple of adult beginners as well, but something I'd like to do even more than that is running a cattery. It's one thing bringing music into peoples' lives, but I find it so hard to think that there are cats walking lonely on the streets at night, it's a real problem in Roddens - quite a few people move into the city and into apartments, and find it hard to keep their cats that they had when they lived in their houses outside the city. I want to help fix the problem, but I can't do it out of my current house..." "So that's what you're looking for, being able to invest in somewhere you can run as a cattery." "Precisely that, Beth. I think I'd need about Tk25,000 to be able to extend the mortgage enough to do that." "Well, there's certainly that much to be won and then some, hopefully your Box 13 can deliver the goods for you!"

Briefly through the formalities, with Beth again emphasising "and, I repeat, only the independent adjudicator knows what is where" - and we're off. "Let the game begin!"

"OK, I'm going to start with... number 1. Why not?" "Why not indeed? It's your neighbour Ellie, and hopefully she will start this off on the right track!" "You've been good company - honestly, I'll miss you. Good luck."

Box 1 (Ellie) - Tk2,500

"That is fine," Wynke says, and the applause behind her suggests the audience back that view up too. "Number 3." "Marius, you're up second - and we're hoping it's at least as harmless as that last one." "Blue here, hopefully - you're a good, kind-hearted lady."

Box 3 (Marius) - Tk500

"Fine words, and a fine deed as well." "I'll go with 5." "Emily, our new player, and you come from the town with possibly the best name in the country." "What, Wibblescliffe?" "Exactly!" "What's so amazing about that?", she laughs. "Well it just sounds so... silly... anyway, open the box!"

Box 5 (Emily) - Tk75,000

"Ooh, that's a wibble." "I'd rather have avoided that," says Wynke, setting the bar high very early on in the Obvious Statement of the Week race. "Number 8, Kathy." "Well, Kathy, you're already out west in Santa Mordana, but I understand you want to go a lot further west than that!" "Yes, I have relatives in Civil Citizenry (a significant Kytlerian trading partner and friendly rival, particularly in international sport) and would love to be able to see them. And yet I've been having so much fun in the hotel with this lot, I'm almost wondering if I've got myself a new family!" "Indeed, all the contestants stay in a hotel here in (Kytler) Bay City while they await their turn to play the game, and we've already heard some wonderful stories which I'm sure we'll be hearing more about as the days go by, but for now, we want to see a blue in box number 8." "All the best."

Box 8 (Kathy) - Tk5,000

"Not a blue, but I think it'll do," is Beth's comment, and the early favourite for Stupid Rhyme of the Week. "What you don't want now is to be in a situation where you've not taken out anything less than Tk500 in the first round. Something tiny would be lovely." "Number... 10, Iris." "Iris, I hope you're going to provide us with something tiny, or at the least keep us on a path where the biggest money remains for long enough to matter!" "Oh, I hope so too, Beth. Good luck, Wynke!"

Box 10 (Iris) - Tk300,000

Huge groans. "Yet again, yet again, yet again." Beth seems to be despairing as much for her job prospects as Wynke's financial future. "The Banker has said, I quote, "Honestly, this game feels like it's too easy for me." Really, that's what he said."

Tk1
Tk5
Tk10
Tk20
Tk50
Tk100
Tk150
Tk200
Tk300
Tk400
Tk750
Tk1,000
Tk7,500
Tk10,000
Tk15,000
Tk25,000
Tk50,000
Tk100,000
Tk200,000

Banker's offer:

Tk3,500

Azeezat says Wynke should deal "because the 200's gonna go, isn't it?". "Even if it does, you can win a lot more, Wynke," points out Satossy. "Much as I understand your cynicism, Azeezat, I have to agree with Satossy here," says Wynke - NO DEAL.

"Surely, surely the Tk200,000 will survive the next round? Come back after the break!"

"We're back with Wynke Kemerink playing Deal or No Deal, and like just about everyone else who's ever played this game to date, she's not had the best of luck to begin with. But she could, at least, still win Tk200,000. It has to survive this round - in five games so far it's not made it to the second offer, not once. Today's the day!" Bewildered applause from the audience. It might even have been edited in.

"Number 12, Aaron." "Ah, your other neighbour." "Yes. Well, I hope I can bring you fortune, you've been very good to speak to over the week." "Open box 12..."

Box 12 (Aaron) - Tk400

"That's one blue away," Beth remarks. "I'll go with 15, Paora." "Paora, I really hope you've not got Tk200,000..." "I hope not either, Beth!"

Box 15 (Paora) - Tk150

"That's more like it," Beth says. "Three more to go, we might be getting somewhere here at this rate!" "Number 17, Marvin." "Ah, the nuclear man... no accidents please, Marvin, we do not want our safety record with the big money to get even worse!" "I'm so glad my business isn't a game of chance. Best of luck, Wynke, I think you need it!"

Box 17 (Marvin) - Tk50

"You needed it, and you're getting it! Two more to go!" "Number 19, Yvie." "Yvie! Well, are you going to be part of a round with five blues in a row? At the least, we want those top two to stay in the game! Open box 19..." "You're a lovely lady, and I wish you the best of luck."

Box 19 (Yvie) - Tk750

"We're one away!" Beth seems more excited about this than she has any right to be. "One more. Make it count. Make it anything but the Tk200,000, but ideally - oh wouldn't it be so special if it were blue?" "Oh, wouldn't it just. Number... 22. Azeezat." "All down to you, then... and you were the one who was cynical about this! Obviously, we'd love a blue, but anything other than Tk200,000 and we're at least breathing a huge sigh of relief that you were wrong all along." "I hope so. Good luck." "Please say she wasn't right..."

Box 22 (Azeezat) - Tk100,000

"It's ONE hundred thousand!" Some people actually cheered that it wasn't the Tk200,000! "Well, it's not good, but... we've had four blues leading up to it, and FINALLY we have one of the top two at the second offer!" Almost ironic applause.

"Hello, Banker? Yes, see, this game is totally fair!... yeah... I see what you mean, you still think this is a good position for you and not for Wynke. Right." Beth hangs up. "He did concede that there's not been a player yet with as much money as you on the board at this stage. Which is why he's offered you more than anyone's had as a second offer so far..."
Tk1
Tk5
Tk10
Tk20
Tk100
Tk200
Tk300
Tk1,000
Tk7,500
Tk10,000
Tk15,000
Tk25,000
Tk50,000
Tk200,000

Banker's offer:

Tk7,000

"It's not exactly a small amount of money, is it?", Wynke questions. "Absolutely not," Beth says. "Of course, there's much, much bigger sums of money still on the board, but you don't need reminding how quickly they can go." "Loads more on that board," Scott argues. Nobody argues with him. Wynke included - NO DEAL.

"Three to open in this round. We're definitely going up, up, up, up, up, UP if that Tk200,000 stays!" (In this parallel universe, real-world things permeate occasionally. DoND is one; Loreen, evidently, is another.)

"Box 2, Kamira." "I feel lucky." "You do?" "Oh, I do, Beth. I do." "Hopefully your luck is going to rub off on Wynke here - show her a blue!" "It shall come to be."

Box 2 (Kamira) - Tk15,000

"Ooh no! It shan't..." "Could have been worse," Wynke says. "If that's as high as we go in this round, the offer is certainly going to rise." "Box 4 please, Caroline." "Right next door, then - Caroline, open box 4, and hopefully reveal less than your neighbour did!" "I can't make any promises, but I wish you all the best." "We saw Kamira's promise go wrong, hopefully this won't make it worse..."

Box 4 (Caroline) - Tk25,000

"Ooh, no, this is precarious now." "At least the Tk200,000 is still there," Wynke notes. "Yes, every box that stays we are in new and promising territory. But how much easier will this now be if this is blue?" "Number 6, Jennifer." "We will find this game very precarious indeed if this is another red, and if it's Tk200,000 we are heading on the disaster path again - please, please, a blue?" "I dearly hope so."

Box 6 (Jennifer) - Tk200,000

"I just have this awful vision that the regulators are going to be banging down our doors tomorrow morning and complaining we're not being fair, and I'm worried for everyone else here because they're all meant to be playing their games and if we're taken off the air..."

The Banker says he is thinking of pouring some of his money on top of a nuclear waste site if the show is taken off the air, and asks Marvin to suggest one! "Just pour it over the state of Varn (where Marvin's home town of Borlfield, and much of the Kytlerian nuclear industry, is located) and us good folks will make the most of it!" Laughter.

Tk1
Tk5
Tk10
Tk20
Tk100
Tk200
Tk300
Tk1,000
Tk7,500
Tk10,000
Tk50,000

Banker's offer:

Tk2,000

"It can't get worse, can it?" asks Wynke. "If Harriet's game is any guide, actually it might," Beth points out. NO DEAL, anyway. "Even with such horrible luck, Wynke is still in position to win up to Tk50,000. Don't go away, you never know what could happen!"