Ah... the perfect relaxing method, after a cartoon marathon, to have a game of Deal or No Deal - especially after a good weekend. Had to help choose a fridge yesterday, went to London with friends today. Mmm... Pizza Express.

It's now time for a game of...

DEAL OR NO DEAL.

Today's player: Freeze - a middle aged polar bear from the North Pole. He is 45 years old. He has box 22 with us today. Freeze desparately needs an air-conditioner for his igloo in the North Pole - it is melting after all.
He has some pictures... ahem ONE picture: http://www.valdosta.edu/~kkmoore/polar- ... arctic.jpg

Let's see your joke prizes then!

Joke Prize 1 - Mr Freeze Ice Lolly! Your choice of flavour... but you only get one.
Joke Prize 2 - 75kg of Ice! You never know when you might need it.
Joke Prize 3 - My Little Pony Friendship is Magic DVD!! I think you could give it to your daughter... I guess...

Freeze: My daughter's 16! And she wouldn't like it anyway... and besides, she's a loner, just like all of us polar bears...
Noel: But you don't have to win them! Here are your special squares:

Cookie_Monster, Killersbee Sting, and Super-Shifter! Three great squares to increase your chances.

Noel: Ready?
Freeze: Yes, but I'm seriously, seriously nervous.
Noel: It'll feel better with a great first round, so let's get on with it!
Freeze: Uh... cool I guess. My first pick is to... Sinta, my lovely neighbour.

Sinta: I'm going to miss you with those hilarious polar jokes. Since I'm from Paris, I was the only one who could understand his best one! Tell it to the good people, Freeze.

Freeze: What is a polar bear's favorite type of film?
Sinta: A Polar! And it's funny because it's a type of film in French! Hahaha!

Methanol: NOT funny. Just open the damn box.

23 - Sinta - Super-Shifter! Fantastic.
Noel: This could go both ways, but if you're lucky you could potentially increase the top prize 3-fold!
Now, here is how it works. You have a choice of one or two values being shifted. You pick a random number, and another random number. Each random number corresponds to a value. If the second random number corresponds to a large sum of money, the value representing your random number increases. But if the second random number is small...
Freeze: I get it. I'm going to go for two values.
Noel: For your first shift, pick 2 numbers between 1 and 29.

Freeze: 27 to 14 please.

Noel: 27 corresponds to... Mr. Freeze Ice Lolly.
14 corresponds to... £2,500,000!
As it is a joke prize, it will not change into a sum of money. But your ice lolly transforms into... Lamborghini Gallardo! Worth about $220,000. Not bad. Next shift?

Freeze: 18 to 22 please.

Noel: 18 corresponds to... £750,000. This could be good.
22 corresponds to... £76,000! Two good shifts! What are the chances?
£750,000 transforms into... £1,111,111! This is great.

Freeze: I've always wanted a lamborghini... Next box is gonna be... 17 please! Ainsi, open it for us...

17 - Ainsi - £1,250! It's a blue... and none of your new prizes have been touched.
Freeze: Thanks Ainsi, cool move there. (Geddit?)
Ainsi: No problem mate.
Freeze: I'm going to go for 1, please... that rat named Sonic.
Sonic: I can't deny it... I am a rat... a fancy rat. They just call me "Sonic" because I won the 400m at our school sports day every year... but I was crap anyway! The rest were just unsporty nerds who were forced to do this hard race because all those "sporty" people were lazy and wanted to do the easy stuff... like the 100m.


1 - Sonic - £5,000,000!
Freeze: Well I can't say that's OK... because it isn't, but let's move along now. Number 30 please: Toonie.

30 - Toonie - £2!
Freeze: Great stuff, my next box is Number 29 please, the lovely Heidi.
Heidi: Cool luck Freeze!
Freeze: Sorry Heidi... that doesn't really work as a joke.

29 - Heidi - 75kg of Ice!
Freeze: AAAAUGH NOO!
Noel: What?
Heidi: Come on Freeze, you senile bear! It was the Mr. Freeze ice lolly that got replaced.

Freeze faints and falls on Noel.


Noel: *wheeze* just *wheeze* one more *wheeeze* box *out of breath* to open...
Freeze: Gee... sorry Noel... I'll get up now. My final box is... Coco Pops.

13 - Coco Pops - £1,111,111! Ouch.
Freeze: Aw man...

*BANKER CALLS*
Do you really think I'm going to buy a lamborghini for some bear in the North Pole? Heck... there aren't even any roads in the North Pole!
Freeze: How do you know? You've never been!
Because it's the bloody North Pole, that's what.
Freeze: There are 62 motorways in the North Pole you know...
Right...
Freeze: I'm serious...
Right......!


Freeze: I demand the question.
Noel: £111,111......... Deal... or No Deal?

Freeze: NO DEAL!

And almost one year later... round two.

Noel: Freeze, how are you feeling? If you pardon my pun, are you keeping cool?
Freeze: Haha... very hilarious. But yeah, it's going pretty well thanks. Got the top two and my dream car still in play, so I couldn't be more ready!
Noel: So let's a go! Pick five boxes and we're set!

Freeze: I'm going to go for Stephen, number 15.
Noel: Stephen!
Stephen: Yeah?
Noel: What's your pond like?
Stephen: It's pretty small... if there's any lady ducks around, I'd love to start a family. The pond's pretty small but the awesomeness is there.
Methanol: Enough with the dating pitch...! Just open the goddamned box!
Stephen: ...and compared to Methanol, you'd rather want to be with me!

15 - Stephen - £5,000
Freeze: Not too shabby. Thanks.
I guess it's gotta be number 4 please. Crocobot.

Crocobot: The very best of luck to you, Freeze.

4 - Crocobot - NOELSFAN!!!

Noel: Owww. Bad luck there, Freeze. The NoelsFan was a heft £10,077,696.
Hawley: Wow! That's 6 to the power 9! Or 216 to the power 3...
Freeze: Whatever it is... it's gone. But I still have 10 to the power 7.
Hawley: But that's lame, and any old shmoe can work that out anway. I'd much rather win something like 15 to the power 6, as I'm sure many able mathematicians know, is £11,390,625!
Freeze: Sorry that I'm not an able mathematician... then. Anyhow, I'll go for you. Why not!
Hawley: Even though your maths skills need sharpening, the best of luck to you!

26 - Hawley - Killersbee Sting!
Noel: Too bad Freeze... the Killersbee Sting wasn't in the right box today.
Freeze: Damn... I could use that!

10 - Luke - £1,000,000!
Freeze: Whoops...

21 - Mutya - £100,000
Mutya: I told you to deal the first offer!
Freeze: No you didn't Mutya. And no-one deals at the first offer. It really doesn't matter!

Noel: This was actually a rather iffy round. You do realise that all the amounts you got rid of were on the right side of the board?

*BANKER CALLS*
Yes, Noel is indeed correct. And they are my favourite kind of round too. Really fun to watch. Though I'd much rather watch 'The Great British Bake Off' in most cases.


Freeze: That wasn't much of an increase...

*BANKER CALLS*
No sugar, Sherlock.
Moaning Pilgrim: URGH! I HATE IT WHEN THE BANKER CALLS MORE THAN ONCE! JUST OFFER HIM THE OFFER AND SHUT UP!

*BANKER CALLS*
Throw the bum out too. He's distracting my enjoyment of the pie Technical Challenge! Oh... Manisha's caramel went wrong for the seventh time! Har har!

Freeze: Enough. Ask me the question Noel.

Noel: £130,000... Deal... or No Deal?

Freeze: NO DEAL!

Round three.

Noel: Welcome back everyone. This is an exciting and volatile game... with 7 reds against 12 blues. I bet all you lucky duckies want to see how Freeze's game turns out.

Stephen: Yeah... seems kind of exciting.
Noel: Quack.

Freeze: Well, ladies and gentlemen. En route. And my next box will be number 8. Troy, my lad, let's end this red mist.
Troy: Red mist...? Since when is mist red?
Freeze: Just open the box.

8 - Troy - £2,500,000!

Noel: Owee! That is not good. At all. That little choice really makes your game even more volatile.
Freeze: Pretty scary once you think about it, eh? My next box will be the awesome lynx, Gombario.
Gombario: I don't know what's inside this box, but it certainly isn't the £10,000,000!
Freeze: I hope so! But if you jinxed it...

24 - Gombario - £15,000!

Noel: The thing is... it's a red. And you're now down to five reds. Or orange/green/red. Whatever.
Freeze: Yeah... 5 against 12 isn't good at all... but now I have a better chance now of getting blues since there's more of them!
Hawley: Yes, but you're 2.4 times more likely to have a blue/pink in your box! Chance is harsh.
Freeze: Yeah Hawley... so let's go on a blues cruise. I pick... Friskie!
Friskie: Best of luck. I hope we can embark and leave the port of bluedom.

18 - Friskie - £50!

Freeze: Finally! Thanks, Friskie!
Friskie: T'wernt nothing!

Noel: Just one last box! If it's blue, we can ensure a raised offer from the banker!

*BANKER CALLS*
Don't get your hopes up. Any of you. Hey! Ryan's Key Lime Pie looks absolutely amazing! Ginger was perfect with it. Ryan, if you're in the audience, please tell me the recipe! I must bake this amazing pie for my frie... myself! Please! Pretty please, pretty please with sugar on! I'll give you gold! I'll give you diamonds just to have that key...

Nole: I guess we'd better hang up. He's rambling... about pie.

Freeze: And to end this round, I'll pick F.

F - Good luck Freeze, I hope it's the 1p.
Nole: Sorry?
F - Good luck Freeze, I hope it's the £1.
Noel: Excuse me?
F - GOODNESS SAKES! GOOD LUCK FREEZE I HOPE IT'S THE 1p GODDAMNIT! I HATE RAISING MY VOICE SO MUCH!
Freeze: I don't think I understood that either... but I'm afraid to make her repeat herself again...

2 - F - £500,000!

Freeze: Ouch! This is really not going well! 4 reds left and I've only just reached the half-way point boxwise.
Noel: It isn't looking good now... but you still managed to keep the £10,000,000. However, the loss of the £2,500,000 and the £500,000 makes this game extremely dangerous! It's pretty much all or... moderate sums of money now. I just hate to call the £250,000 peanuts. Hey... isn't the banker supposed to have called by now.
Freeze: Yeah! What is up with him?
Noel: Ho hum.

3 minutes later...

Noel: Wow... what is he doing... is he sleeping or what? I'd better call him.

Mr. Banker! What on earth are you doing?!?!?!?!
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME DOING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF! Yeah Johann... Cathryn's such a good baker, but she's always really nervous! Her stuff always turns out good anyway. Yeah, Brendan is awesome... I think he might just win it. Ryan's a pretty good baker but he's so messy, and he's always making stupid mistakes! He may be toast soon. But his sea bass pie was absolutely mouth watering... though I'd rather have a bite of Brendan's Chiffon pie! That looked delicious!
Noel: We're having a game of Deal or No Deal here! It's your job to make offers! Stop watching that programme and make this bear an offer!
Excuse me... but I specifically stated that Tuesdays between 8 and 9 that no one was to disturb me because I was watching the programme!
Noel: Just make the guy an offer and we'll leave you alone for a bit! Good grief!
Fine!



Freeze: What. Wait... what...? What is that
Noel: He's really not paying attention is he. Too engrossed in baking today.
Freeze: Ask me the question Noel.

Noel: £99.99... Deal... or No Deal?

Freeze: No Deal, Noel.

Round 4.

Freeze: If I can avoid the £10,000,000... and if the Banker has turned the TV off... this could get more cash in! The first box of this round will be opened... by... Sharkey!

Sharkey: This game is making me nervous. I'm sweating like a pig. Cool down the temperature by... at least 5 degrees, Noel.

27 - Sharkey - £15! Excellent.
Freeze: Just what I was looking for. Now we're going for the newbie, Yneza.

Noel: Hi, Yneza! Welcome to the game!
Yneza: Well thanks Noel! I've been dreaming to get on this game ever since I watched the first game with Jas the horse who won £483,153!
Noel: Wow... you must have a pretty damn good memory!
Yneza: Of course! My main diet is fish. I am a penguin, you know...
Freeze: South Pole, eh? We North Poleans could kick your ass!
Yneza: I... er... don't know Freeze. We penguins have a multitude of secret weapons! So I wouldn't get arrogant if I were you. But good luck anyways... and I hope this is a blue for you!

7 - Yneza - 1p!!!!!
Noel: And we now get an interpolar kiss! Fantastic.

Freeze: Thanks Yneza! No need to kick your ass now!
Yneza: No problem! Hopefully you'll do an all blue now.
Freeze: And Jim, number 12, will help me!

12 - Jim - £76,000! - Not bad... but you didn't manage an all blue round now. One last box.

Freeze: Number 5 please! Lemono.

Lemono: Best of luck freeze! 3 out of 4 isn't bad at all!

5 - Lemono - £10,000,000!

Noel: Oh dear, Freeze. That's just... plain unluckiness on your person. I'm sorry.
Freeze: Yeah. It's a harsh game, this one. But I suppose £250,000 is a generous amount of mint. So... onward.

*BANKER CALLS*
Hi...
Noel: Oh, hi Banker! Nice to see that you're aware of the game and not watching the bake-off!
Well... I was... but the euphoria of seeing the £10,000,000 go is worth more than the bake-off! I'd rather see that than take a bite of a key lime pie. But man... that pie is soo delicious looking, and Ryan's idea to put ginger really sounds go...
Nole: Can we get to the OFFER please? And this time, think about it!
There's not much to think about... since this poor schmoe's lost almost every red, hehe...


Freeze: I'm going for the £250,000. Ask me the question, Noel!
Noel: Seven-and-a-half-k. D... OND?

Freeze: ND.

Round 5. Just three boxes this round.

Freeze: All blue round is due for this bear. So, Olga. I'm counting on you to start it!

Olga: Very best of luck Freeze. This game has been unlucky, but I'm sure you'll get some nice dosh out of it!

14 - Olga - £25!

Noel: Exciting!
Freeze: Next we will have Dewey of number 9 to continue our Blue's Clues... I mean Cruise.

9 - Dewey - £5!
Freeze: Fantastic! Next, we have Porcupe.

Porcupe: Best of luck mate... hopefully it will be the pound!

25 - Porcupe - £3,000!

Noel: Well, Freeze... we finally made it! An all blue round at the right time. If the Banker's not busy watching his darned bake-off, we should get the offer...
*BANKER CALLS*
Way ahead of you. The bake-off is over, and we had to say goodbye to Manisha! Oh well... at least she didn't boil her babas... *ahem* here's the offer.


Freeze: The money's small at the moment... but that is a good offer, I must say. But I think there's one more round to this. So ask me the question.

Noel: Freeze: Deal or No Deal?
Freeze: No Deal, Noel Edmonds.

Round 6.

Freeze: Well, er... I'll go for Methanol.

Methanol: Why don't you just go home and win £1... your game is just unlucky enough. Stop sodding around.
Freeze: I don't want to listen to your spitefulness. Just open the damned box.

19 - Methanol - Lamborghini Gallardo!
Methanol: Hahahaha!!! Awesome.
Noel: Stop laughing. Seriously.

Freeze: Just so long as I keep the £250,000... pleeeeease...! Derek... please tell me you don't have it. Please.

Derek: I honestly couldn't tell you, Freeze. It's just a red box... and I don't know what's inside. or do I. *shifty eyes*

16 - Derek - £1!

Freeze: Thank you! THANK YOU! Take that, Methanol.

Noel: Just one more box, Freeze. If you can evade the £250,000... then you're going to get a decent offer with some decent money.

Freeze: Come on, let's do this, Nick.
Nick: Very best of luck, Freeze. I hope it's the... MLP DVD.

28 - Nick - £250,000!

Freeze: Game over. Oh man.
Everyone cheers him on. Come on, Freeze!
Sinta: If you end up with the Cookie Monster in your box, then you can still get £20,000! Don't worry!
Freeze: Yeah. I guess I'd better soldier on. COME ON!

*BANKER CALLS*
As the Goomba says when it kills Mario for the last time... GAME OVER!

Hawley: Ooh... a Hawley number as an offer!
Noel: What or who on Earth is a Hawley number?
Hawley: A number which is a number to the power of itself, that's what.
Noel: I didn't get any of that... but okay.
Hawley: Well, 3125 is 5 to the power 5. I'm waiting for an offer of £823,543, which is 7 to the power 7... but I don't think we'll be getting an offer £16,777,216, which is 8 to the power 8, anytime soon.
Noel: I... see.

Freeze: Enough with the Maths. With games like these, you might as well just go all the way. Ask me the question, Noel:

Noel: £5 to the power 5... Deal or No Deal?

Freeze: NO DEAL.

Round 7.

Noel: You could still win £20,000, Freeze. That is no paltry sum of money.
Freeze: You're right. First box... Joel!
Joel: Good luck, dude.

20 - Joel - £500! Ho hum.

Freeze: And next... we go for... Lim-ez. 6.
Limez - I wish you the best of luck... but only since you pronounced my name correctly!

6 - Limez - Cookie Monster!
Groans from the studio.
Noel: And we really could have used it to get rid of that pesky DVD.
Freeze: Oh god... this is just brutal.
Noel: But that's DOND for you. It's a rat race here.

Freeze: Well, my last box will be 11. Sylvester.
Sylvester: Really sorry mate. Good luck anyway.

11 - Sylvester - £250!

Noel: Freeze... that was the worst possible round.
Freeze: Yeah... but what you gonna do.

*BANKER CALLS*
A lame joke prize against a blue! Har de har har! I hope you're a brony, Freeze!
Freeze: I most certainly aren't! I'm 45!
Hey... I know a 57 year old who has a collection of all the ponies! Fluttershy, Derpy, you name it!
EDITOR NOTE: I am NOT a brony. I just know the names of some of the ponies. Cartoon still is lame though.


Freeze: I might as well go for it. Ask me the question.
Noel: £41... Deal... or No Deal.

Freeze: No Deal.

*BANKER CALLS*
I guess I better let him have the swap.

Noel: The banker is offering you the swap. Would you like to swap for box 3... or keep your original box 22.
Freeze: I think I'll swap. Why the hell not.

Noel carries box 3 to Freeze's table, while Freeze carries box 22 back to Eugeno.

Noel pulls the seal off box 3.

Noel: I can reveal that you are going home today sweeter to the tune of...






















£100!

Freeze: Thank god I didn't get the My Little Pony DVD! Optimism, eh!

Noel: You were destined to win it... good thing you swapped. Eugeno... please finish this unlucky game for us.

Eugeno: Nice swap... Freeze. I certainly wouldn't want to win that lame-ass DVD!

22 - Eugeno - My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic DVD Season 1: The Friendship Express

Freeze: Well... I'd just like to say that my time here was absolutely amazing. And £100 is still money. I mean... I do wish I could have won seven figures... but I guess luck was not on my side. I've had some absolute laughs with Sinta and Mutya... my neighbours now... plus Mark with his Banana Sandwich comments. Thank you all for a wonderful experience.

Moaning Pilgrim: AUGH! I HATE GAMES THAT DON'T GO ANYWHERE! I HATE TRAINWRECKS WHERE THE PLAYER CAN'T EVEN GET A BIT OF DOSH! NOEL GOT REALLY ANNOYING, THE BANKER WAS JUST SO IRRITATING WITH HIS STUPID BAKE OFF AND RECALLING AND IT ENDED UP WITH A BLUE! I HATE THIS SHOW!

Noel: Didn't we tell security to throw you out?

The security throws the moaner out.

Freeze: Well... anyway... I'll definitely keep in contact with all of you... except Methanol.
Methanol: Always a pleasure... jerk.

Everyone gathers to the pound table to give Freeze a big (polar) bear hug. Except Methanol.

Credits roll.

The end.

Thanks for watching and join us next time for a new show. Bye!

I would've dealt at £41 at 2-box, just because i didn't wanna risk winning THAT pile of *beep*!

Replace it with an Aladdin DVD, I might be interested

This is quite possibly the greatest of the forum series.

Skyline, you're absolutely nuts. And I love it.

I agree!

Dammit, someone messed with my above post. I guess this proves that the mods are still alive.

Someone with poor literacy skills. A lower case 'i' ? Dreadful.

I put myself forward as a mod candidate. It's about time I was honoured for my years of service to this place.

Mind you, I was demanding I be made a mod when I'd only been here a month...